I've had this plan for a while now to write about topics other than specific punishments. There are a lot of things that float around in my head and some day I will have some spare time and be able to actually sit down and write about some of them. I was just thinking this week that I needed to make time to write a post for the PB.
From now on I am not going to allow myself to think this thought. It clearly jinxed me. I fear this will be especially long winded story telling, but the back story really does lead up to the conclusion.
My old nemesis has returned, and it's name is toilet paper. Yeah, really. Running out of TP is Master's biggest pet peeve and it's gotten me into trouble in the past. In fact, it is the only offense I can ever recall being punished for more than once. Two nights ago mark the third time I've been punished for it.
This was especially hard for me because there was a guest in attendance. Master is dating someone right now. They've been seeing each other since October. We'll call her J. She is wonderful and I hope to see great things from this relationship. However, last night her presence worked against me because she used the last of the toilet paper in the main bathroom and there was no spare under the sink. Her natural response was to come out and say, "I am going to steal toilet paper from the other bathroom." Master's natural response was to give me the look of death.
I had of course been hoping that my punishment would take place after she went home, but I wasn't really expecting it. I am no stranger to being punished around other people. From the earliest days of my relationship I could expect to be taken to the basement or bedroom and beaten while CC stayed in one of the other rooms and either tried or pretended not to listen.
In the beginning it bothered me, because I consider punishment to be one of the most intimate pieces of our relationship. But, over time I got used to it. And as I came to love CC I viewed it as just another facet of us sharing our lives together. Of course, J isn't a long term partner and I don't know our future looks like yet. But, I still didn't really think he would give me the luxury of privacy.
Predictably, when we wrapped up our last game of Skipbo Master said, "Bridget and I are going to go talk, you stay put." J was left in the living room and I was removed to the bedroom. I was pretty terrified because this is the only recurring issue we have ever dealt with and this was the third occurrence. I knew it would probably be severe.
And so it was. The strapping was hard and relatively fast. The only real interruption was from me continually putting my foot in the way. I swear it is a reflex. Master hates that I do it though, and as annoyed as he was with me he didn't have any patience for it. I half think it is part of the reason he did what came next.
Afterward I lay in a puddle on the floor bawling and Master held me. Yet, for some reason, I didn't feel he was finished. I felt he was still angry and needed to spank me some more. I asked him if he was finished and he said, "I am finished spanking you, but I think you need to go to bed." Words can not describe how crushed I was by these words.
What I needed most was to be have the closure that comes with discipline. I had every expectation that when he was done with me I would get myself together and rejoin them in the living room and bring the night to a successful close. I was completely unprepared for banishment. Never in my wildest imaginings would I have thought he would do that at that moment.
I will admit, there was no grace at all in the way I took the news. I burst into a renewed bout of tears and begged him not to do it- to beat me some more if he was still angry. I told him I needed him and repeated, "Please don't please don't please don't." I could not for the life of me understand why he did it, or why I couldn't convince him horrible he was being. He just told me to go say goodnight to J and come back to the bedroom.
Master told me he wasn't leaving me because he was angry but because he wanted my punishment to be memorable - third offense and all. Whatever his reasons, I cried myself to sleep convinced that he didn't care about my needs and feeling hurt and abandoned. Master enjoyed the rest of his evening with J, and sometime after she went home he came to bed too, but he was far too tired to talk about it then.
I wanted that to be the end of it, as you might well imagine, but it wasn't for me. Yesterday I woke feeling just as devastated as I'd felt when he left me the night before. I spent most of yesterday incredibly sad. Naturally I talked to Master about it.I sent him an email detailing all the feelings I felt - my fear, sadness, feelings of abandonment. I asked him if it was really his intent to punish me so severely over toilet paper, and he said yes. He said that it doesn't really matter what the issue is, three times is too many.
Later, when we were both home again he asked me if I need more spanking to feel closure. I am still thinking that over. I hope the answer will be no, but I don't seem to be able to let go of this. Sending me to bed doesn't seem to have functioned as an ending for me, but a beginning. I still feel like a bad girl. That did lead to a minor revelation for me, though.
Sometime last night while Master was putting the baby to bed and I had time to stop and think by myself I had a light bulb go on. Part of the reason I feel like a bad girl is that I am not fully buying into discipline or what it means to be a slave. I already know I am not supposed to like it, but I was allowing myself to believe that Master still was supposed to meet my needs on my terms. He isn't. Punishment isn't about my needs, at least not in that moment.
I told Master that he was right to ignore my pleadings. I told him that I want to get back to a place where I can trust him to tell me what some of my needs are and to meet them without so much focus on myself, because my biggest need is to shift my focus back to a different place right now.
I asked him why he couldn't just beat me until he was finished. He told me that sometimes it isn't that simple. He told me there is sometimes a build up of energy and he needs time apart to let it dissipate. It's the same reason he sometimes puts me in the corner after a spanking.
I can't honestly say that this resolved it for me. I still feel like a bad girl. I still am waiting for that closure I need. But for now I am trying to trust Master, and to remember the TP.