My Master is going to beat me. I don't know exactly when, and I am not even 100% clear as to why. Yet, it has become clear to both of us that this is what is going to happen. We both need to clear the air.
I'm terrified. I haven't been seriously beaten in a very. long. time.
It makes sense, our dynamic has more or less taken a backseat to the events of the last couple of years. First, Master and CC were changing and having issues and most of the focus was there. Then, they were splitting and the focus was there. It's really been at least two years since we've been focused on each other and our dynamic in any real way.
For a highly dramatic and whiny account of the unraveling of our poly family you can read backwards on my personal blog. For the purposes of this post, it's enough to know that CC has decided to go her own way, and the last year has been spent largely on this change in family status.
There are a lot of things that are different now. I am not sure we will ever be back to that "pure" Master and slave dynamic we had in years past, but it's certainly a goal of ours. Running a household and supporting each other through a painful breakup has changed things in ways neither of us would have guessed. It put a huge amount of stress on each of us individually and on our relationship. There have been moments when I was not at all sure we were going to make it together.
I'm not there anymore, though. We are finally in a more stable and pleasant place. The future looks positive rather than bleak. We are moving forward and building our new lives together. Even the financial issues that seemed bleak and overwhelming are beginning to resolve themselves, albeit slowly. But, we still aren't totally satisfied with the way things are.
Our dynamic has become far more confusing. It used to be very clear. In our poly dynamic CC and I were slaves to Master, and wives to each other. She served more of a spouse role for him as well, mostly by virtue of being the mother and running the household. I occasionally felt some envy that I could not be his "wife" but as I integrated fully into the household most of that dissipated as CC and I developed our own separate dynamic as wives to each other.
Now, I have many needs around having a wife and being a wife. I need a life partner in the more conventional sense. My wife is gone, and therefore so is my identity as a wife. Master also feels that void, but he doesn't really want me to fill it. Yeah, I have to do a lot of the things that she did as his spouse. I have to run the house. I now am the only female parental figure in our home. I am the one who goes to public events and is recognized as his partner. But it's never what he's wanted for us in our home.
He wants and needs a slave, and I've always filled that role well. I want both, and haven't figured out how to strike the balance with only one partner. But as we continue to explore this it has become clear to both of us that we will never reclaim our M/s identities without taking specific action. We've talked about it, and we both want this. I want to feel the comfort and security that comes with serving *and* letting go of control. I want to put Master back in the drivers seat and live my life under his direction rather than grabbing onto small areas of control with a stranglehold so I won't feel so afraid of life without CC.
I say I want these things, but I am filled with fear. And, Master is frustrated. He says he often feels I no longer put him first, or that I ignore the small things he asks of me. I don't ignore him, but my focus has definitely shifted. I feel like now my focus tends to be on the big picture of our household and the kids and ... everything. I think he may be right that he is falling through the cracks now when what he wants is not in line with how I see the big picture.
So, my Master is going to beat me. I don't know exactly when, and I am not even 100% clear as to why. I am terrified, but also filled with hope. I think we are finally onto something with each other, and I can't wait to see where we end up.