What Happened: I got spanked at bedtime last night. It wasn't especially hard (a bare-bottom, over the knee hand spanking) but it included scolding (I had stayed up later than I was supposed to, even after being reminded to go to bed) and went on long enough to hurt. Not a lot, not like a hairbrushing, but enough so I started feeling very sorry (okay, mostly for myself rather than my actions) and telling, then begging Paul to stop.
That doesn't work. As I was reminded, I don't get to decide, just as it wasn't for me to decide that I didn't want this spanking. I hadn't wanted it either -- by the time he took me otk, I was tired, even over-tired, and wanted to go sleep. Plus it was late enough and quiet enough that I thought the spanking could be heard from the street. Our window, you see, was open because I hadn't expected this.
Then it happened, and not for the first time. My whiny frustration at not being able to get away, at the spanking that continued and I wanted stopped, at not ever feeling like there was enough time for anything rushed together with the frustrations of the day and guilt at being scolded and for ignoring Paul, I burst into racking sobs.
"I had a bad day!" I wailed. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Now me crying isn't unusual during spankings -- all sorts of spankings. Generally, though, these are quiet little tears and sniffles. Not last night. This was messy, snotty wetness, complete with gasping sobbing.
In the midst of it all, I realized Paul was no longer either spanking or scolding me, but passing me the box of tissues and rubbing the small of my back comfortingly as I babbled and gasped through why it had been a bad day.
Reflection: Over the years I've noticed a lot of people into spanking worry about crying -- what does it mean, how to get it to happen, why they don't, when they do and so on. I've never worried about it too much, except that I'm now in the habit of letting play partners know it might happen and not to worry about it if it does, that they can go on if they like. Some do, some don't. Tears are a limit for many.
But last night, as I drifted after the spanking, I thought about how different tears from emotion are from tears from pain, at least for me. Last night the spanking wasn't the cause of my tears, but from being tired, from feeling frustrated and guilty. I don't handle being tired very well -- it's one of many reasons I'm not supposed to stay up very late. Still, had the spanking not happened, the tears likely wouldn't have either.
Afterward: We curled up together and watched QI, me falling asleep part-way as usual (I find Stephen Fry very comforting). I woke this morning feeling better than I have in days, but with a stuffy head from my tears at bedtime.
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Image credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/xbsg/ / CC BY 2.0
