Parenting kids in a kinky household really is different. I suppose everyone experiences parenthood differently, but I think kinksters definitely have unique challenges.
Our kids have been raised in a very non traditional environment. I don't think that will really come as a shock to anyone who knows much about our family. First, they were exposed to polyamory from their earliest memories. There was always Mommy, Daddy, and, from the time they were 4 (almost 5) someone else. I wasn't the first person either of them had in their lives seriously, either. It has always been perfectly natural for them to see multiple people loving each other and sharing affection.
They also see evidence of our dynamic. Both CC and I always called him Sir, and I still do. When they were very small they actually thought it was his name. We also slept on the floor, each with our own beds on the ground next to Daddy's. Again, I still do this. They've never thought of it as sleeping on the floor of course, they think, "Daddy's bed and bridget's bed."
Yet, for all this openness we've always tried to be very careful about crossing age appropriate lines. They never see or hear us play. They aren't aware of the specific sexual dynamics that exist between us. In fact, when CC was pregnant with the little guy they told me they consider all three of us to be "married" and then hastened to add, "But you and Daddy don't have sex... right?" At the time I told them they really needed to talk to Mommy and Daddy about that.
We've always questioned to ourselves where exactly the lines are. We don't ever want to lie to our kids, but there are some things we would rather they not know. For instance, I don't really care if they know Daddy is in charge. I have absolutely no desire to hide our personal dynamic from them because it is part of who we are. But, I'd rather they not hear the word "slave" because I think they would not be able to understand it. Similarly I'd rather they not realize that Master is punishing me for real offenses (though they may have that light bulb go on someday).
We always figured they would figure out we are into some "weird" sex stuff at some point, but we make an effort to keep the toys locked away. It used to be we only hid the toys in the back of Master's closet, but as they got older and snoopier we ultimately moved them to a locked box.
Well ... apparently they started snooping a little earlier than we thought.
This weekend I was cleaning the basement with my son B (age 11). He came across a broken cat toy and, being our son, immediately began to whip it down on the bed. He added commentary like, "That would hurt!" "Ouch!" "Oh yeah!" Both B and his brother J have been doing things like this for a while now, but B is definitely more enthusiastic than J. He has also recently taken to whipping his belt out of his pants and swinging it around menacingly. Perhaps I should have left well enough alone, but I didn't. I said, "What is with you and wanting to whack people all the time?"
I don't know what kind of response I was expecting from him, but I didn't get it. Instead he said to me, "Dad likes to do that." ... At that moment many thoughts went through my head, but most of them were along the lines of, - WTF DO I DO NOW? OH MY GOD!!!!!! - I don't know if I looked as panicked as I felt, but I made an effort to remain calm and asked him, "What do you mean?" B told me, "A few years ago I was hiding in Daddy's closet and I saw an excessive number of whips and paddles."
Oh. Shit. Fuck. Ok...
"What do you think about that?"
"Why does he have all that stuff?"
I thought about a lot of things to say. I thought about saying I had no idea, I thought about telling him he didn't remember right and there isn't anything in Daddy's closet. I also thought about copping out all together and saying, "Ask your father." But, ultimately I decided our commitment not to lie to our kids needed to be upheld, and I really didn't want him to be freaked out. So I told him.
"You know about sex, right?"
"Yeah"
"Well, some people like to use those things as part of sex. Don't worry though, you only do that with someone who wants to do it too."
"Oh"
"Any more questions?"
"I feel really awkward."
"So do I."
That was pretty much the end of the discussion. I did tell him these are the kinds of things he can always ask his parents but shouldn't really bring up at school etc. He said he understood that.
He seems fine and totally not traumatized. I on the other hand am still rather horrified several days later. I feel ok about the conversation. I am glad I decided not to lie to him, and I am glad after a "few" years of sitting on this he finally got to bring it up. I'd much rather go this direction than have skeletons (or excessive numbers of whips and paddles) in the closet.
More than anything, we want them to grow up without a sense of shame. We don't want them to think their parents had big nasty secrets, or that sex is dirty. We want them to know that whatever they like is ok, even if that's missionary with the lights out.
But boy, this parenting thing sure is tough. And a word to the wise, your kids are snooping sooner than you think. The end.
