The Punishment Book

Master,

I'm really sad today because I feel like I have really failed you recently. I hope in the near future I can prove to you that I can engage and provide you the kind of service you deserve, but I can understand why you might be questioning that.

K told me today that you are out of socks, and that another load of laundry has been discovered with ink on it. I just want you to know I'm really sorry. I don't really even have any words for the situation - every time things fall behind you run out of things, and when I try to rush and catch up things slip through the cracks like with the ink on the laundry.

This is all my fault, and I'm really sorry. I imagine you will punish me if you feel it will help, but regardless I want you to know that I want to make this situation right and I'm working on it. I want to please you, and I'm trying to adjust my habits so that things like this will happen less and less. It shouldn't ever happen, you deserve better than that.

love,

bridget

I've had this plan for a while now to write about topics other than specific punishments. There are a lot of things that float around in my head and some day I will have some spare time and be able to actually sit down and write about some of them. I was just thinking this week that I needed to make time to write a post for the PB.

My Master is going to beat me.  I don't know exactly when, and I am not even 100% clear as to why. Yet, it has become clear to both of us that this is what is going to happen. We both need to clear the air.

I'm terrified. I haven't been seriously beaten in a very. long. time. 

It makes sense, our dynamic has more or less taken a backseat to the events of the last couple of years. First, Master and CC were changing and having issues and most of the focus was there. Then, they were splitting and the focus was there. It's really been at least two years since we've been focused on each other and our dynamic in any real way.

For a highly dramatic and whiny account of the unraveling of our poly family you can read backwards on my personal blog. For the purposes of this post, it's enough to know that CC has decided to go her own way, and the last year has been spent largely on this change in family status.

There are a lot of things that are different now. I am not sure we will ever be back to that "pure" Master and slave dynamic we had in years past, but it's certainly a goal of ours. Running a household and supporting each other through a painful breakup has changed things in ways neither of us would have guessed.  It put a huge amount of stress on each of us individually and on our relationship. There have been moments when I was not at all sure we were going to make it together.

So, I was punished the other day. I didn’t really disagree with it because I definitely made a mistake. He had planned to have some large items hauled away,and a couple of months ago I signed up for it. Yet, we missed the date for that even though all of us had mentioned it and wondered about it in the days leading up to it. That’s pretty cut and dried, right?

But, my Owner and I are sort of at an impasse about some of the finer details. You see, although I did definitely mess up and did deserve to be punished, I felt that this was an issue where responsibility was shared between the three of us. I felt CC could and should have just as easily solved this issue the several times she brought it up, and similarly so could he.  So, I’m not saying I shouldn’t have done it, because I should have.  I’m also not making any judgments about whether or not CC should be punished (although I think he thinks so). I just think we all failed.

I’m in a pretty weird place today. Unfortunately I can’t go into all the details, but I can say I’ve been involved in a pretty big screwup. I’m one of those people who tends to be very hard on myself. I have a lot of ingrained guilt, and even when I haven’t screwed up big time I can usually find several examples of mistakes throughout a given day. If left to my own devices I could easily find a reason why I deserve punishment all the time.

My  Owner doesn’t view me the same way.  One of the earliest pieces of advice he ever gave me was, “Being a better submissive means learning to trust your Dominant to punish you when you need it and not do it to yourself.”  I’ve always taken that to heart, but I’m not terribly good at putting it into practice.  You can probably imagine that if I’m guilt ridden in general, I’m ridiculous when I have something specific to obsess about.