So, I was punished the other day. I didn’t really disagree with it because I definitely made a mistake. He had planned to have some large items hauled away,and a couple of months ago I signed up for it. Yet, we missed the date for that even though all of us had mentioned it and wondered about it in the days leading up to it. That’s pretty cut and dried, right?
But, my Owner and I are sort of at an impasse about some of the finer details. You see, although I did definitely mess up and did deserve to be punished, I felt that this was an issue where responsibility was shared between the three of us. I felt CC could and should have just as easily solved this issue the several times she brought it up, and similarly so could he. So, I’m not saying I shouldn’t have done it, because I should have. I’m also not making any judgments about whether or not CC should be punished (although I think he thinks so). I just think we all failed.
This is exacerbated a little bit by the fact that I have at times felt that I’ve been blamed for things that were not really my fault. At times it seems he arbitrarily assigns responsibility to me for things without any care or notice of the fact that CC and I already have a system for things. This has been an issue for both of us in trying to understand what He expects from us as individuals. I’ve expressed this before, and I know he doesn’t really like it.
Anyway, this time when I told him that I was sorry for my part in it and could see why he wanted to punish me for it, I also mentioned that I think we all fell short here. He didn’t like that. He said I was playing a martyr and refusing to take real responsibility for my actions. I never did figure out how to respond to this, because I really don’t think I did that. I feel like I have taken responsibility for my mistake, and I did accept the consequences of that. But, I can’t force myself to agree with him that it was “all” my fault and noone else did anything wrong. Is it reasonable to expect that if I don’t agree with him then I’m not taking responsibility? I don’t know.
I don’t feel like I’ve passed the buck. I feel like I made a mistake and paid for it. I don’t think making observations about the broader situation makes me a martyr, or takes away my responsibility in it. But he does. I don’t know how to make myself agree with him here, but I’d like to because I really don’t like him approaching me this way. It feels like I’m disappointing him no matter what way I look at it.
Part of me wants to keep explaining because I think in part he just doesn’t “get” where I am coming from. Yet, explaining always seems to come across as excuse making,and I already know how he feels about that. So I guess where that leaves me is… sad. I’m sad that he thinks I am playing a martyr, and sad that I can’t get my head where he wants it. Bummer.