Have you ever felt like you just had to be spanked or you would burst? Like you wanted to fling yourself over the lap of the nearest toppy person (creepy neighbors excluded) and beg them to spank you soundly? Or like you wanted to throw a tantrum in the middle of the street just so that someone would grab your ear and drag you off to be spanked?
Um, I have.
I think the epitome of this feeling and its desired resolution is in Kayley's story from a long time ago, "Little Girl Days," even though it's a slightly different scenario than mine. I love this story because it captures the energy and the emotion so perfectly. There are times when I feel like the world is out of control and I am out of control and I just want someone to come and put it back together for me. To create some kind of boundaries and structure and meaning out of it. To let me know that there are limits and that I will be held accountable for crossing those limits.
As some of the initial grief from my relationship ending is easing (not ending, you understand, just easing a bit), I find myself focusing more on the loss of discipline and missing it fiercely. "Missing it" is kind of a misnomer, actually. I don't really miss it as much as I feel like a junkie that hasn't had a hit in months and is going through intense withdrawal.
On an intellectual level it's interesting to observe what's going on inside me. I am able to separate the need for discipline from the need for sexual release in a way I've never quite done before. Orgasms I can achieve on my own easily, quickly, and very satisfactorily. But lately I've been craving discipline, and no matter how many AAA batteries I go through, I'm not meeting that need. Which means that I have all this pent-up energy and I'm not always sure what to do with it.
Last weekend I was so hyped up and desperate that I went for a run. I hate running. And I hate running on hills even more. But I ran hard for a mile and a half here in the foothills, just to try to release some of that energy and make myself tired. In some ways it worked, and I found an interesting parallel to discipline. I dislike most athletic activities and I am not a push-your-body-a-little-harder kind of a girl, but I tried to push myself during this run. I found that even though I hated it, later in the evening I had a feeling of tiredness and serenity similar to the one I usually get after a good spanking. Which might mean that I'll get into fantastic shape in the next few months (it'll go great with my habit of not eating while I'm grieving!), because even though my body is craving spanking, my heart and my mind are hesitant to go out and experience it.
And so the saga of Life After Discipline continues.
