The members of Punishment Book received an e-mail a few days ago from a woman who wanted to know if we were "serious". Not only are we serious (to varying degrees) but we're really not that uncommon. The number of women writing blogs about domestic discipline, BDSM, or other variations of "serious" alternative lifestyles is phenomenal. I use 'serious' here not to indicate a sober, distinctly unamusing relationship, but in the more colloquial, American way. Yes, we are way serious. This is real to us, although our perspectives on it are all quite different.
I live for months without a punishment spanking; more specifically, months can pass without C punishing me with a spanking for some sort of misbehavior that is not part of a kinky playtime. Playtime, being much different and quite erotic, often includes spankings - and other punishments - for naughtiness both imagined or deliberately invoked. Playtime temporarily alleviates a desire - a very real and very strong desire - to know that C has limits that even I cannot cross. (Trust me, C gives me a very wide berth to do and say and spend and be what I want.) By that, I mean, there are rules about playtime and I push or break them frequently enough - and I know it is safe for me to do so and that C's love and desire for me is in no way at risk by such, uh, incidents.
Unfortunately, that sense of safety is not automatically transferred to our working days. The truth is, I am insecure enough and enough of a perfectionist that I am become very unhappy when life does not work out the way I intend. Accidents upset me. Irritating C - at least when I do not mean to - is enough to make me cry. Being impatient with the baby's irrationality (a feature of infants, even) causes intense guilt.
So a few weeks ago I dropped the digital camera.
I truly don't know even what day it was - but the latch that holds the battery compartment closed snapped off. It was a tiny thing - about 2 mm long. And it snapped off. I remember being upset but it was a compounded upset; the baby was pulling on my leg, C was peeved about something, I was typically tired and in a hurry.
I used a piece of scotch tape to close the battery compartment, dropped the camera on the dock, and went on with my day.
I didn't intentionally hide it, lie about it, or in any way ignore it. The camera still worked.
And so I forgot about it.
The night before A's birthday, we let her open a couple of presents early. She had fallen and gotten a 'boo-boo'; she had cried on my shoulder for a good twenty minutes over the bruise on her cheek. We needed a distraction. She opened a gift my brother had sent - and she loved it. I asked C to get the camera, thinking he could take a picture of her delight that I could share.
He noticed the scotch tape.
"So?" With a shrug, I explained what happened.
From the look on his face, I got the message. He wasn't shrugging. I got the message quickly - I would be punished for the event.
That night was impossible, and so was the next day. But two days later, during A's naptime, C sat down on the sofa and asked if I was busy.
"Not right now." Pause. "Should I be?"
The answer was yes.
C spanked me. Hard. A couple of times, I had to ask for him to slow down - I know better than to say I've had enough. During punishments, I don't even risk *asking* him to stop (I am not nearly as careful during playtimes!) - we've been down that road before.
When it was over, I started to roll off his lap. Frankly, I was in a hurry to get my pants back on, a clear end to the experience. He sounded amused as he asked whether I wished to have my bottom rubbed more. I paused... actually yes. I stayed on his lap, naturally.
And then we had the 'talk'. "You know," C said, "I didn't spank you because you broke the camera."
I considered this. I did know - I'd had two days to think about it. "I know."
"I spanked you because you didn't tell me you broke it."
I didn't deceive him. I didn't lie by omission, even. Truly, I had forgotten about the thing, entirely. But the fact remained that I had excluded C from something that had made a difficult day even worse; never mind I had done so because I didn't want to make *his* day any worse.
And then a little later... "At least you have something to write about for Punishment Book," he remarked. By this time, I was sitting on his lap instead of lying over it.
I immediately thought of Mija, Haron, Natty, Tasha and Angie. I admit to momentarily wondering if he had found something to punish me for just so I would have something to post to the blog. "You don't have to punish me before I can post to the blog," I pointed out.
"No, I can write *about* punishments without actually getting one." I thought this was an important distinction.
"But you did get one. And you will write about it."
Inwardly grumbling, I sighed and agreed. I was still on his lap after all - I hardly thought it was the time to challenge the order.
I replaced the scotch tape a few days ago with blue painter's tape.
Today, I noticed that the screen on the digital display was cracked. We were out to take A to see The Polar Express in IMAX - an amazing adventure for a barely two-year-old. So I showed it to him outside of Magnet U.S.A. while A was examining the corral of tottering moving pups that seems to distinguish all the toy stores at Universal CityWalk.
"I wanted to make sure I told you right away."
It got a look; but A started to run off and Daddy was back on duty.