I've been MIA for awhile now. I'm sorry about that, and I sort of feel like I should be punished for it. Why? Well, because my lack of participation hasn't been an "I'm just so busy" kind of thing, it's been a "I suck and shouldn't even attempt to write" sort of thing. More on that another day.
The main thing I wanted to write about is this decision-making process I'm in right now regarding discipline. See, Dave spanks me for real life stuff -- we've established that in the past. But, I'm trying to lose weight right now and I'm actually going to Weight Watchers meetings, and I've been feeling like some help in that area might be a good thing ...
We've tried discipline for weight loss issues in the past, and sometimes it works but sometimes it just ends up making me feel bad. When he spanks me for not staying On Program (or "OP"), as we say in WW Online, then I tend to take it as a rejection of my physical appearance, and therefore a rejection of me sexually. I know what a stretch this is -- how I really have to imagine quite a bit to see my boyfriend spanking me for not eating my five fruits and vegetables as a statement of his waning attraction for me -- but it's a dark place I go to and it's caused some arguments.
So, we'd discussed the idea of my finding a disciplinarian who would *only* deal with me on the weight loss issues. It wouldn't be a sexual relationship in anyway, therefore I'd be less inclined to feel rejected, right? I put an ad on Shadowlane.com and waited for response -- making it clear I was looking for discipline only. I got a serious response from one person and we've corresponded a bit ... but something about this whole thing doesn't feel RIGHT. I spoke to "LA David," as he's been known in some of my personal blog posts, and expected he would say, "Go for it." Instead, he put my own fears in words. He said something to the effect of "What effect will it have on your relationship if you're giving that precious gift of submission for real discipline about very real issues to some other guy? Dave says he doesn't mind -- but what will it do to YOU?"
I really believe that answering to someone for making bad choices in what goes in my mouth, or how often I exercise, is a GOOD thing. I really believe it will help me -- if that person is loving, consistent, fair and willing to punish me over and over for the same damn thing until I get it RIGHT. And the truth is, I really want that person to be Dave. I REALLY want the love of my life to help me in this process of shedding this coccoon I've lived in for almost the last decade. It's about my health, and my future, and how I feel about myself in every different area of my life -- this weight effects EVERYTHING I do. And shouldn't it be Dave who is given the trust to help me with this? After almost 2 years together, shouldn't *I* trust that he loves me and wants the best for me -- and punishing me for going over on my points, not drinking my water, not following the guidelines, etc isn't a rejection of my body but his attempt to guide me to do what we both know I want to do, need to do, and CAN do?
I mentioned to the PB ladies in an email that whenver something is hard I tend to give up. I could cry just admitting that statement, but I'm 28 years old and I need to admit it, own up to it and change it. Maybe I was giving up on Dave in this area because it became hard -- and I chose to reject his help instead of accepting the chastening because it touched on some core issues, some exposed nerves, and facing them was more difficult than I wanted.
So, if anyone has any thoughts or feedback, please feel free to say anything. I think I know what I'm going to do, but some thoughts from anyone else on the subject would be appreciated.