It's funny how when I type the letters "s" "p" "a" in succession, my fingers automatically type an "n" next. I had started out writing this introduction with a comment about how intimidating the white space of the screen can be and when I went to write "space," I ended up typing "span" before I stopped and hit the backspace button. And even in typing the second to the last word in that last sentence I had to stop a second to make certain I typed a "c."
That seems like a good way of introducing me and my kink.
It's not obsessive. But it does sorta ooze through my being in ways that I'm not always aware of, though at some point -- around six or so -- I started to be conscious of the fact I'd like to be spanked.
About five years ago I typed "spanking" into Google. That's when I started getting the Internet at home. For the five years prior that I'd been online via my university computer lab, I'd been too chicken. Since then, I've talked to a lot of both fascinating and extraordiarily dull people, made some wonderful friends, and met my sweet but stern boyfriend who lives 8 time zones away. (He's here visiting until next Monday morning, at which time we'll go back to three hour phone calls over crackly, cheap-ass long distance carriers...sigh...).
The other night we talked about the concept of "domestic discipline." Most of the discipline I get does indeed take place in the home. But of the various meanings of the adjective "domestic" -- "of or relating to the family or household; fond of home life and household affairs; tame or domesticated; of or relating to a country's internal affairs" -- none seem particularly apt. I mean, I can't imagine ever getting spanked for, say, not having dinner ready at a set time. I'm certainly not an animal. And since our relationship is trans-Atlantic, we can't even say it has anything to do with a country's internal affairs.
It does have to do with what works for us. For me, I like having structure (usually one I create) and having it enforced (usually by someone else). I like the idea of it being enforced with physical punishment -- usually spanking, but can include other forms such as writing an essay or lines, standing in the corner, etc. Now I say "like the idea" because while I'm in the midst of a spanking, I really hate it. Punishment spankings (which are not that often) are not necessarily harder than role play (though often they are), but it's as if there is some sort of different neurochemical response that occurs when I'm getting the belt as discipline rather than play. But there is a happy, warm feeling that I have afterward or even somewhat before beneath the feeling of dread. An intimate feeling of safety and care that can be difficult to explain to non-spankos.
I often refer to the "Natty" me. I liked to write stories when I was kid (well, I still do). Now when I write, it's often to make sense of my world, but as a kid it was to escape to a childhood I didn't have in real life (long story -- currently writing a non-kink novel about it). When I was 13, I created a character that was that child I couldn't be and wrote her and her world throughout high school. A few years ago I wrote an autobiographical story about my relationship with her and renamed her "Natty." Spanking is definitely something that taps into the Natty me. A part of me that is just as vital an aspect of who I am as being an historian, a writer, a Byzantine Catholic, or a person living with chronic illness.
And someone who always has to hit that damn backspace button whenever I type the letters "s," "p," and "a," when the letters that follow are not "n" and "k."