Resistance

I've been quiet for quite a while. Some of this is because life has gotten in the way. My health hasn't been great (although I've been happy to discover that part of the problem was anemia, and that's eased up by finding a better iron supplement), and there have been big non-disciplinary changes in my and W's lives.

But more than that, it's because discipline hasn't been happening, or has been happening in frustrating ways, or has been complicated in ways that I haven't been able to put into words. I've spent a lot of the past two years or so feeling rather inarticulate about many things.

I'm still rather inarticulate, but I've decided I'll go ahead and try to write something, because it's entirely possible that I will find words once I start writing.

W and I have been on hiatus with discipline off and on for nearly two years now. Contrary to my disciplinary fantasies, W does not take easily to being in charge. She struggles with it, and many of her own physical and mental health issues were getting in the way. On top of that, she didn't seem to be entirely clear about benefitting from this arrangement on her own behalf, and that was building up a lot of resentment for both of us. So, not quite two years ago, I asked to take a break until she was ready to be the one to re-initiate.

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Posted by on 13 February 2012 at 09:30 AM in Discipline, Dyke Grrl, Health, Musings | | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

Thoughts on the punishment – Part 1 – Ginger Figging

Zille Defeu figging ginger butt plug nal

I have so much to write about last night’s punishment that instead of trying to do one of my epic posts and it taking so long that I don’t post anything for the next three weeks, I’m going to try the mad notion of breaking things up into more manageable posts – crazy talk, I know!

I have so many emotions that I’ll start off with something more simple and basic: facts and thoughts about the new type of ginger butt-plug I made.

It was not an unmitigated success, but it did have a huge successful point in that we were a lot less concerned that we were going to loose the fig inside me, never to see it again. (As happened on Kink.com a while ago!)

However, I am used to carving ginger plugs with one notched area to simulate a butt-plug – and didn’t think about the fact that this time the notched area, which is usually where the sphincter ani internus (internal anal sphincter muscle) grabs aholt of the notch in the ginger, to keep it from sucking on in, or spitting it out (And the fact that I never trusted it for the former, and it didn’t work so great for the latter is why we were trying new methods!), was used by the flange from the cut-down butt-plug, and so the big fail was that I did not make the notched area longer nor make a second notched area....

So my bottom spent the whole punishment happily trying to spit that mean old ginger root right out! (I am pretty sure that actually ginger causes the anus to spasm and expel the burning foreign object from your bottom. I get why it would try to do this, but it’s something that needs to be worked around, because figging is the best punishment in the world. More on that later.)

I’m happy to say that the one worry I had, that the plastic flange would break the ginger did not happen, although this was a thick, tough old root. (We did the world a favour by stuffing it up my bum instead of leaving it for someone to try and cook with!) I should add that because this root was pretty old, it was stringy, which was probably good for tensile strength, but also meant it was very, very strong, intensity-wise.

Mr Defeu did not have it more than one-third up my bottom before the stinging began. I knew I was in serious trouble at that point!

To sum up on the actual fig-plug: yes, cutting the flange off a butt-plug works well, and at least on thicker ginger-roots, does not break it at the notch you have to cut in to hold it there. However, that notch either needs to be lengthened to give the anus room to grab on, as well, or a second notch needs to be put on. Unsure yet which will disturb structural integrity more. I will report back after the next punishment or discipline session in which ginger is used. (I hope soon!)

Okay, more about the experience of the ginger tomorrow!

In the meantime, I just found this blog, and loved the discussion of real punishment and the emotional journey it entails: Bonnie-Jo -- Life of a College Spanko

(Reposted from my blog, to share with my darling PB-ers! I'm such a dork that when I found out I was getting a punishment, one of my thoughts was, "Ohmigawd! I'll have something to post on PB!" [blush])

Posted by on 12 January 2011 at 03:26 PM in Discipline, Education, Implements, Zille | | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

Toyland

Since I'm writing this on Christmas, the title seemed appropriate.

I've been thinking a lot this week about different implements and the images or feelings they evoke. In my mind, there are some that are very traditionally "domestic discipline" types of implements, and some that I could only put in the "S&M" category -- they "feel" more like a sexualized, eroticized implement, to me, and I don't understand their appeal. Let me explain ...

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Posted by on 25 December 2010 at 09:08 AM in Angie, Discipline, Implements | | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)

Bonnie's Question: Choosing Spanking

[I didn't get a chance to answer this Sunday, but it was such an interesting question I thought I'd reply here and and on my blog.]

This week at her brunch, Bonnie asked: 

Have you or your partner been given a choice between receiving a spanking or something else and chose the spanking? If so, how does the act of consciously choosing to be spanked alter the spankee's mindset?

In discipline or punishment terms, I always choose the not-spanking option.  It's not often that Paul gives me a choice -- a large part of what works in our dynamic is that I'm not in control, that I don't get to decide.  But when I've had the option of writing lines or something non-physical I think I've always chosen it.  This is because for me the idea that I could be spanked is the powerful one, more powerful even than the act of being spanked.  Part of that for me is that spanking has to feel like the last resort as a punishment, heavy enough that I'd choose anything else above it. That's the theory anyway.  The reality hasn't been tested much.

I suppose in reality most of the time I'm being punished I've chosen to be spanked in the sense that I could always opt out.  Probably.  I've never tried to though.  The times I've asked to be spanked / punished for something are few and far between.  Those have been very submissive moments and during the punishments I've found it easier to accept the pain and not struggle against it. 

Play is different.  I do ask for spankings sometimes in play / everyday life.  Those times, when I get them which is almost always, I feel a lovely contentment and gratitude for my partner.  Best of all?  When he pounces on me and spanks me just because he wants to -- those times I feel attractive and well loved. 

 

Posted by on 07 December 2010 at 11:34 AM in Discipline, Fantasy, Mija, Musings | | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)

The convenient kink

When I first explained my punishment kink to my godfather (I have an, um, unique relationship with my godfather as I explain in this post), the first words out his lips were, "what a convenient kink!"

As this article in the New Yorker demonstrates, people do all sorts of stuff to help with their procrastination issues. It reminded me that it is a rare person indeed who needs no assistance with self-discipline.

We, of course, include hairbrushes and canes, in addition to software, to limit our time on Facebook.

Posted by on 25 October 2010 at 01:33 AM in Discipline, Musings, Natty | | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

But what's in it for you?

Chris (of sparkle and Chris) and I have been having a conversation lately about what he as a top gets out of the punishment dynamic.  We thought it made for an interesting post, since we talk a lot about what the bottom gets out of a discipline/punishment arrangement, but we don’t hear about the other side very often (or if we do, it’s from an unrealistic Tops Are Superior Creatures perspective).  So we compiled our discussion into a post and present it here for your reading pleasure.  It’s not a complete, polished dissertation, it's rather unfinished and in process, in fact, but we’re very interested in your thoughts on the matter.

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Posted by on 08 October 2010 at 06:16 PM in Discipline, Iris, Musings | | Comments (12) | TrackBack (0)

It's Not Squicky, It's My History

Trying this again ... a repost from my blog. Apologies to those who read both -- which I think is up to 4 people now. LOL

Today I was thinking about how what happened to us as children shapes who we become as adults. Of course, I began to think of this in the context of spanking. Some people find this topic extremely squicky … for me, it’s kind of matter-of-fact.

I was spanked, mostly by my mother (only once by my dad that I remember — but I remember every detail, oddly) until I was around 9 or 10. I was a good kid, really. I didn’t lie, didn’t cuss, didn’t *pick* fights with my brothers (though one of my brother’s and I fought almost constantly). When I grew into a teenager I NEVER smoked, drank, sneaked out … In fact, the only really big thing I did was have sex. I’m pretty sure if my mom thought a belt whipping would work to stop me from doing that again, she would’ve. As it was, she yelled for awhile and then said “You’re going to get PREGNANT!” and she almost passed out when I said, “I am not. I know how to use a condom properly.” Ah, memories. LOL

But some of those spankings I remember in great detail — what I had done “wrong” (some of them were just downright un-fucking-fair), where I was spanked, what I was spanked with, etc. And I remember, too, how broken I always felt afterwards. You know how you read M/f or M/m stories and there’s often a hug at the end, and the parent or adult wiping the tears away and stuff? Yeah … never happened to me. As soon as I was let up from her lap I would usually be yelled at again to go to my room — or I’d run there of my own volition — and I would bawl. I don’t remember crying because it hurt — I’m sure it did, but I don’t remember the physical pain at all — I cried because I thought she hated me when she spanked me. I never had some warm, fuzzy, “this will hurt me more than it hurts you” talk with my mom before; and there was never a hug after … I ALWAYS knew that she was angry when she spanked, and I often wouldn’t even look at her the rest of the day.

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Posted by on 20 September 2010 at 03:08 PM in Angie, Discipline, Musings, Rules | | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

Examining My Conscience

quia peccavi
nimis cogitatione, verbo et opere:
mea culpa,
mea culpa,
mea maxima culpa.

(Okay, this starts out like an account of a play scene, but isn't. If you're looking for that you're going to be disappointed.  Fair warning)

Here I'm going to digress just a little bit.  I'm Roman Catholic -- have been since birth.  My first 13 years of education were in Catholic schools, mostly taught by nuns.  In my own weird way I'm quite religious.  I'm not very spiritual however -- in fact I have almost no faith in God.  It's the ritual that attracts and comforts me.  I've been away from the Church for a while -- the typical lapsed Catholic. There are a number of reasons I've absented myself -- disagreement with RC politics and my own personal choices (marrying after a divorce and outside the Church being chief among them).  Being away and not attending Mass or joining my local parish have been my doing and I mostly don't feel inclined to return.  But right now it's May and the roses are blooming.  There are alters to Mary all around. 

Right now I miss my religion*.

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Posted by on 05 May 2007 at 01:21 PM in Discipline, Fantasy, Mija, Musings | | Comments (17) | TrackBack (0)

A Little More Discipline

So, on my personal blog I told the scary tale of bad bad buggery that made me very sick for a few weeks. For the first couple of those weeks I was too sick to do anything remotely naughty. But after awhile, I found myself feeling very cranky. My inner ten-year old had had just about enough of the whole staying in bed thing. Trouble was, I still wasn't healthy enough to really get out of bed much. Which just made me crankier, and yet, really wanting a spanking.

Most of you are familiar with that feeling of being annoyed by just about everything and wanting to bitch about it all (and maybe even doing so) but when all is said and done, you'd really rather just get a nice, long spanking -- though you'd probably be irritated if it was offered (or told that's what you were getting). 

I was feeling that big time.

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Posted by on 21 April 2007 at 05:29 PM in Discipline, Natty, Rules, Slice of life | | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)

Moving Back to Normal

Or at least we're getting back to whatever passes for normal in our house. 

In early December I had abdominal surgery that required longish incisions on my stomach.  The recovery was painful -- more-so then I expected -- despite some really really good drugs*.  The surgeon had to cut through and reconnect muscle and resew my skin together.  I was uncomfortable and needed (and got) a great deal of TLC while I was healing.

In many respects recovery wasn't fun, though I did get some really nice gifts and cards from friends and family.  However, my healing did function as a "Get out of spanking free" card.  Oh and a get out of research and writing too.

Apparently, that card has been played for the last time this month.

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Posted by on 05 March 2007 at 12:50 PM in Discipline, Health, Mija, Rules, Slice of life | | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)

A Different Kind of Post

I've been debating about whether or not to write this post for several weeks, but I've decided that I think it could be both really good for conversation and really good for me to write out.  So here it is.

After more than two years of being in a relationship that included discipline, I now find myself without it.  Without discipline and without the relationship, that is.  (And actually, I moved into my relationship with M from another one that incorporated discipline, so I guess that means it's been about three and a half years since I've been on my own in that sense.)  Aside from the normal gut-wrenching, soul-piercing pain that accompanies any break up, I'm also dealing with the loss of any practical application of discipline in my life.  At this point I'm still dealing with a lot of the initial grief and the loss of discipline feels kind of minor.  But it's starting to raise its head in small ways.

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Posted by on 16 November 2006 at 11:07 PM in Discipline, Iris, Slice of life | | Comments (15) | TrackBack (0)

But What's In It For Them?

Prompted by an overheard phone conversation at Shadow Lane's fall 2006 party.

Okay, so part of what's triggering this entry my classic anxiety about what Pablo could possibly get out of the disciplinary end of our relationship.  I mean, it seems to me like work he's having to do keeping me from drifting off onto circular or self-destructive paths.  When we've talked about it before he's generally made a bit of a joke in his dry English way, answering that what he gets out of it is "a quiet life." 

It's a cute comment but didn't really tell me much.  Not what this bit of eavesdropping and subsequent conversation (with me, not eavesdropping) did.

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Posted by on 29 August 2006 at 04:40 PM in Discipline, Mija, Musings | | Comments (12) | TrackBack (1)

Justice vs. Deterrence

So I'm en route from Minnesota to California, currently in the great state of Utah.  Even though my mom and I are mostly occupied with talking to each other, listening to Harry Potter on tape, and seeing lots of beautiful scenery, I still have a bunch of time to think.  And I've been thinking.  Lately, I've been thinking about the difference between punishments that are the you-earned-this kind and punishments that are the you-are-NEVER-going-to-do-this-again kind. 

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Posted by on 29 June 2006 at 09:52 PM in Discipline, Iris, Musings | | Comments (16) | TrackBack (0)

Unexpected

I didn't expect to have a punishment to write about quite so soon. But I do. (Part of me wondered whether it was because W. wanted me to have something to post about, but she says not. She says it's not even because of my post on my own blog yesterday, but I know she read it, so I've got a few doubts.)

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. In part, it's because I've been having a lot of difficult days lately. And in part, it's because I had therapy; while therapy is good, it also takes a lot out of me, and leaves me a bit (in the sense where "a bit" means "over 90%") dissociated. Which is to say, by the time W. got home, I was rather on edge.

But I was managing. W. had given me a totally unexpected "good girl" spanking Wednesday night, and in addition to that, the effects of my Sunday night spanking had only just worn off. So I thought I was in a place where I could make it through the rest of the week.

However... I was also coping with a small part of my brain that was feeling hurt and resentful that W. has had to work such long hours recently. Rationally, I know perfectly well that it's necessary, and it's how we pay the bills, and it's how she's doing such a great job at work. But this little kid voice inside of me was letting me know that it feels (um, I guess I feel, even though I *swear* it feels separate from me!) a bit lonely and, well, not taken care of. And I guess it was showing, even though I didn't think it was.

So after dinner was over, W. said, "I guess you didn't think I noticed when you painted the wardrobe, so you did it again. I guess you're telling me you didn't get the response you wanted. I think I need to spank you for that."

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Posted by on 19 May 2006 at 02:56 PM in Discipline, Dyke Grrl, Slice of life | | Comments (14) | TrackBack (0)

A New Year

I haven't been around much since the holidays.  Pablo and I were in the UK (which was great fun though very cold) and then when I got back I had some computer problems which seem to be mostly resolved.

Much of the time in the UK was spent seeing family (and happily some friends too).  But we did have some time alone and some privacy too.  Much more privacy than we had at home, thanks to the generosity of some dear (and delightfully kinky) friends who loaned us their fantastic home while they were away.

To mark both our anniversary (December 29) and the start of a new year Pablo and I talked about what we wanted to do for the coming year.  Um, in terms of me and my goals.  Obviously looking after me isn't a full time job.

No really, it isn't.

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Posted by on 08 February 2006 at 12:03 PM in Discipline, Mija, Musings, Rules | | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

Discussion

There are punishment spankings and there are discussion spankings. Last Saturday was a bit of both. The former type, punishment spankings, are fairly self-explanatory. I do something naughty, I get punished with a spanking.

The second type are a bit more difficult to describe. When I asked A. what he would call them, he blurted out “Daddy Spankings.” Why? “Because it’s where I help you figure out what you’re going to do and give you structure.” But, of course, punishment spankings would fall into that category too. Then he joked about them being “Daddy Bush Spankings” because there is an element of pre-emption to them. Yet, we both conceded that it was more than just keeping me from doing something bad. They are more about focusing my mind on the task or tasks ahead. I also find that they give attention to that little girl part of me – the “Natty” part if you will – so that she won’t be trying to distract me from what I need to focus on.

Usually we just refer to them as a discussion about my schedule which, of course, includes time across his knee.

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Posted by on 12 August 2005 at 10:23 PM in Discipline, Natty, Slice of life | | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)